Letting Go
by CSM
Summary: Rachel thoughts as she sits on the train going towards her future and leaving the past behind. Post-3x22


**Jumped on the bandwagon, of post episode fics. Just a little something about Rachel's journey on the train.**

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She sits on the train, her forehead pressed against the cold glass, tears streaking down her face, old ones barely dry on her cheeks, before another wave of emotion hits her and a fresh batch begin to fall. She feels numb, her chest tight, as though someone placed her heart in their hands and slowly begins to squeeze it and she just can't seem to breathe.

She slowly opens her eyes watching as the landscape zooms on by, the weight of her ring feels heavy on her finger, like an elephant is sitting on it, a constant reminder to her that she's never going to get the matching set. She twists and turns it, staring at the small heart shape diamond through her tears, the way it catches the light every time she pulls it to her first knuckle, but then shoves it back down again.

She can't do it.

She sits in silence, her sobs have subsided, but she's has yet to move, her eyes are still trained on the moving landscape before her, as she tries not to picture Finn's face as he runs alongside the train. Or the way his lips felt against hers, in that last kiss.

She shakes her head vigorously from side to side, almost wishing she could literally shake away the memories of today, turn back the clock to last night, the excitement she felt as she got ready to bed, the last day she would be Rachel Berry.

She chokes back a sob at those thoughts, clenching her fist tightly, her ring digging into her flesh, a constant reminder, of what she had, what she was suppose to be doing today.

A new set of tears begin to fall again, and she cries herself to sleep, her head pressed firmly against the cold glass window, her cheeks tear stained.

She awakes to the feeling of her phone vibrating in her coat pocket, she scrabbles to get it, her heart skips a beat when for a brief moment she hopes that it's Finn. She sees her Papa's name glaring back and her and she sighs, a fresh batch of tears beginning to gather before she can even press the little green icon on her screen.

She breaks down when she hears her father soothing voice, she knows there is nothing he can say that will ease her pain, so she listens as he tells that her Dad will meet her at Grand Central Station (he was suppose to be on his way back from a business trip in NYC, early this morning in order to get back to Lima in time for the wedding, so much for that). He tells her he'll catch the last flight out to NYC, once he sorts out some things at home (they both know he's talking about the cancelling of the wedding once again, but neither of them say it)

He tells her he will see her soon, and it will be okay, she doesn't respond, she simply ends the call and lays her head back against the seat, and closes her eyes, wishing the pain would go away. But all she sees is Finn's face as he begs her to surrender, to let go of him, to let go of _them_. She shifts restlessly in her seat, Finn's words echoing in her mind.

She doesn't think she can do this, she's not strong enough to do this on her own. But then she thinks about how much Finn believe in _her_, and why he did want he did, and she tries to push herself, to start to believe that she _can_ do this. She can do this and make Finn proud of her, even if her heart is shattering into a tiny million pieces.

She has to do this for herself as well. This is her dream.

When she gets to off on Grand Central Station, her Dad is waiting for her at the entrance, he says nothing about her tear stained cheeks, but just takes her in his arms, and kisses her forehead. She loves him just a little bit more for that, because he understands there is nothing he can say to help her.

They walk back to the hotel, it's a Berry family tradition really, that if the hotel is within walking distance from the station or even if it's not, they walk the entire way, and soak up their surroundings, live as true New Yorkers as her Papa likes to say. Her hearts not in it, but she thinks this is exactly what she needs. She needs to be completely surrounded by her future, of what's to come, to remind herself, about why she's here.

She walks along the busy streets of Manhattan, being bustled by angry New Yorkers, and amazed tourists, pulling her pink suitcase with her. It slowly begins to sink in, _this_ will be her home for the next four years and hopefully beyond.

This is it. Her dreams are coming true.

She looks up at the tall looming skyscrapers, and her heart heavy. This is supposed to be a good thing, but yet her heart feels heavy.

The next day she and her dads take a tour of NYADA's campus. It's huge, she's pretty sure McKinley's campus can fit into a few times. She giggles at the thought, knowing Finn would joke and say McKinley could fit in the small park the school has.

_Finn._

She stops her line of thought immediately, and focuses back on their tour guides words as he points out the theatre departs and gives them a briefing about the courses and different school plays that run throughout the year. This is where she needs to be, not back in Ohio.

"Ray, this looks nice."

Her Papa calls out for the third time since they started looking at dorms, she's been so lost in her own thoughts she's pretty sure she doesn't remember any of the rooms she's seen so far. Right now they are looking at the single rooms. Three rooms sharing a common kitchen.

"It's cosy." Her dad chimes in as he sits on the bed, "You got everything you need and just upstairs are the practice rooms, Mr. Trudeau even said they are sound proof, so you can sing as loud as you want, to your heart's desire."

"Mrs. Gordon won't be calling every hour, telling you to stop."

"More like every _minute_. Threatening to call the cops. I should have told you where she can stick that cane of hers..."

"_Hiram_." Her Papa calls out warningly, but Rachel tunes them out as she runs her fingers along the wooden desk on the opposite side of the room.

The desk barely reaches her hip, and she hates that the first thing she thinks of, is that it's _way_ too short, the bed too small, the showerhead in the bathroom too low. It's not until she's reaching for desk chair, seeing if it would adjust, does she realize what she's doing. She reminds herself yet again, she's not looking at apartments for two, but a dorm for _her_ and only her. Her heartaches at the thought, all those countless nights of planning, of imagining living in a little shoebox with Finn, both of them joking it needs to be a _tall_ little shoebox, and Finn saying once his feet doesn't hang off the bed he doesn't mind if they have to sleep on top of each other.

She leans back again the hard wooden frame of the desk chair, closing her eyes and takes a deep breath. She drones out her fathers chatter, wondering what it would be like in a few months, her sitting in a room much like this, alone.

This is what she's been working towards, right?


End file.
